Learning the Infinite Game
Story by Sinasi Gursel (BBO: sinasi) "One day, I read a book, and my whole world...
Story by Marcy Kelly (BBO: sierra11)
My son Michael, my only child, had been dead for a year. During that time I’d been in grief therapy, attended parent support meetings, and looked for ways to honor his memory. I even took a cruise to Alaska seeking distraction. It didn’t work. Nothing worked. Days forward, I was sure, would be lived in various shades of despair.
How was it going to be possible to have a meaningful life without my son? I knew I needed something new to help distract me from myself, my work, and daily routines. One day, while reading our local newspaper, I saw a small notice: Learn Bridge in a Day. I signed up and, with a high level of apprehension, drove to a local community center to find out if such a thing were possible. The large drab room was filled with men and women I didn’t know sitting at black card tables. Good, I thought. No one will ask how I’m doing.
When I checked in, an instructor inquired about my level of play. “I learned the game from my parents but haven’t played since college.”
“Lots of new rules, you’ll have to start over,” he said, and handed me a folder with pages on how to count points and respond to a partner.
I didn’t learn to play bridge in a day, but I did reacquaint myself with the challenges of the game. The concentration required to relearn the rules allowed me, for hours at a time, to escape the ache I lived with. Thinking about what suit to bid or which card to play, as anxiety producing as it often was, provided a respite for me. Everyone was too busy playing to ask if I had children, the question I most dreaded.
For days after Michael died of an unexpected heart attack at age 45, I refused to believe he was dead. Finally, when I was able to see his body, I was forced to accept what had happened, but couldn’t say it aloud, couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone I didn’t know well that he’d died. In social situations, I dreaded being asked if I had children. If I answered honestly that my only child had died, it left people uncomfortable. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” was the standard response. And so, for a long time, if it came up, I lied and pretended he was still alive. Among acquaintances who knew what had happened, I tried to head off their questions about my how I was coping.
I took bridge lessons every Saturday morning and played in what were called supervised games where experienced players were available to consult with us beginners. It was probably a year or more before I ventured into what I called “the big boy” games on Thursday nights. There I was with my equally inexperienced partner, without anyone to ask for direction. I was terrified but, for the most part, people were kind and understanding about my lack of expertise. Usually, I didn’t even know the gaffes I made.
I joined the American Contract Bridge League and incrementally began accruing master points. I enjoyed checking the label on their monthly Bridge Bulletin to see how many I’d earned.
Sometimes I thought my brain would explode as I learned new conventions, what bid was forcing or alertable, the various ways to signal my partner. Filling out a convention card was a challenge. At one game, a man called the director because I had played the wrong suit. I was mortified. It was an innocent mistake, but everyone in the room seemed to be looking in my direction and thinking I’d done it deliberately. I persisted and little by little developed a modicum of skill at the game.
I made friends with some of the players I studied with. Eventually, I was able to share the loss of my son.
It’s now five years since I tried to Learn Bridge in a Day. I’ve come a long way in my understanding of the game. I know it will take my lifetime and then some to develop true bridge skills just as it will to accept the loss of my son. Bridge has truly been a lifeline to me, a unique form of grief therapy.
Marcy Kelly is a member of the Beverly Hills Bridge Club. This essay is excerpted from her forthcoming book, Finding Treasure: A Mother’s Memoir.
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Thirty years ago, I was working on an extremely stressful project with little support from management. I started to have a strong highball as soon as I got home; I was a light social drinker before this project. My wife was very concerned, because my late brother was an alcoholic. She “ordered” to play as much duplicate bridge as possible, knowing that I would not consume any alcohol before playing. This was a big deal for her; we were recent empty nesters, and she wanted the company that I provided. Fortunately, in my area at that time, there were afternoon and evening duplicate games available, even if it meant driving 40 to 50 minutes to the game.
Three weeks ago, my wife passed away. It was nothing like Marcy’s loss. My wife was suffering from an advanced neurological condition, with a lot of pain, losing her vision, facing dementia, and more pain. I miss her terribly! My wonderful bridge partners, have mapped out bridge games in our area and have me busy almost every day playing a game. It is effective therapy.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Marcy,
Wonderful story! So sorry to read about your only son passing.😞
I learned bridge with 4 of my friends, who like me, had no clue how it was played. Thankfully, my sister-in-law took me under her wing and taught me more!
I don’t play with the “big boys “ very much, mainly because I am so competitive! Ha! However, my sister-in-law and I have played in local tournaments and won both!!
I hope you have as much fun playing bridge as I have! I also hope you find a great partner like I did!
If you are looking for other card games to play, when you have time, go to Cardgames.io.com. It’s free, you play with robots and you can play over 40 different games including board games!!
I find playing any game makes me better at bridge!!
Happy bidding!!!
M
Dear Marcy:
Thank you for sharing your story...I can relate Bridge is a great way to pull out of the isolation trap of grief. I got back into playing bridge and eventually duplicate bridge at age 51 3 years after the passing of my 2 daughters in a bad accident. It became a great way to meet new people and make new friends that don't know you as "that person who...".
I applaud both of you and all the others who have found bridge as a relief for grief.
Happy Bidding!!!
As we were just retiring my husband and I agreed to start bridge classes together. Much to my annoyance he did not arrive for the the first class and I patiently explained what had happened knowing that he would pick it up easily. Then he continued to miss the classes- he confessed that he knew he could not cope.. This was one of the important markers in our awarness that he was declining cognitively. Seven years later I am caring for him on his Alzheimer's journey. Bridge has become one of my self care activities. The concentration needed means a total break from caring. The other players provide stimulation and support. Bridge has saved me too!
Thank for sharing your heartbreak that led you to bridge. It makes me sad. The only good thing is that I think your son would be proud of you for learning something new, meeting new people, living your life.
I learned to play bridge in college - they needed a fourth, and it was either that or get thrown in the shower (fully clothed) by my classmates. I got married 10 years later and my wife and I played bridge until I lost her to cancer at age 43. Her illnesses started 9 days after our son was born. I was devastated. A close friend gave me this advice: What would your wife want you to do? I knew the answer - grieve for a while, miss me forever, but get on with your life, so I did. We will all be together again soon enough, so enjoy your remaining time in his world. My experience is not exactly what you are going through, but the advice is valid nonetheless. I can't imagine losing an offspring - it's not supposed to work that way, but sometimes stuff happens. It's always much harder on the survivor. Stay strong, stay healthy, and stay busy - with bridge or whatever floats your boat.
Oh - and good luck with your book!
Hello Peter,
What a lovely reply. This really hit home as I have loss both a husband and a son. The Grief, it needs to capitalized, can be overwhelming and incredibly profound. It is sage advice to think about what the one's love one would want for us. Indeed, grieve a little, never forget me and live your life. All the best Marcy with your book.
My husband passed away about 6 months ago. The days are okay but the evenings are really lonely. When I am having a hard time I will sign on to BBO and play. It really is good therapy!
Thank you for your story
We’re truly sorry for your loss. It's heartwarming to know that BBO has been a source of comfort for you during such a difficult time. Please know that you’re always welcome in our community. 🙂
Dear Marcy Being able to join with others our age and continuing to make progress with a difficult game is a great benefit for everyone. So glad you found Bridge again.
Marianne
This is so beautiful, Marcy. Thank you for sharing. My parents said bridge was one of their only respites following the death of my sister after a long battle with cancer.
Wishing you peace and strength in your continuing journey. As an old pastor used to say every week, all we can do is 'keep on keeping on.'
Thank you so much for sharing your story!... Your journey... My grief is different, but bridge has helped me a lot, too. I even joined a crochet club a year ago. I never would have done that, if I had not learned a lot of patience from bridge. Thanks again!
Thank you for sharing your story.
Wishing you a very happy day.
Thank you for this story. I, too, am learning to live without the most important person in my life. And Bridge and the people I have met there have also been my lifeline.
I’m a teacher,and I had a similar situation with a student. She loosed her husband, and she find in bridge the only way to smile again!!
I learned how to play after my husband passed. Never played before. Made new friends..it's been many years now, and friend have become my old friends. Love the game..has helped me in many ways.
Dear Marcy,
I really enjoyed reading your sad story, you will never get over the loss of Michael!!!time heals.
I understand how hard it was for you as l have had a tragic journey too.
Bridge has saved me!!!
Thank you for
sharing your this.
Regards Dorothy staudenmaier.
Not only do I find that bridge is doing the same for me, but I’m picking up from the duplicate players I see weekly that it’s doing the same for them. Thank you for recognizing the depth of connection we share over this “game.”
Yes I love reading others people's stories it is a very good idea - bridge has helped me a lot coping with losses and getting older and I truly thank the teacher I had at the time
Thank you Penny
Mary
Having personally gone through a similar situation, I can very much resonate with your share. would vey much agree that Bridge, is a very good avenue to handle the emotional challenges and mental stress and come to terms with the reality of accepting such loss and moving forward. Keep going.
Dear Marcy
I can’t imagine the pain and grief of losing you son of 45 years.
I wish your friendships fun and memories at your bridge can refill your heart with joy.
it’s 4AM on Mother’s Day and I pray to the Lord He helps you remember those precious happy moments in raising your son.
Facing a similar situation, can resonate very much with her emotion and feelings. My take - Bridge, as it keeps one engaged helps you handle the loss.
Really an emotional bypass this lady has found to salvage out from her profound grief. I am really amazed at the ability of Bridge to apply Salve on those deep wounds life creates. My heart felt happiness for you to have overcome that grief.
Thank goodness for the wonderful kind people who teach and encourage. Kudos to you, whoever and wherever you are
Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story. I’m so glad for you that you found something to help you along the road of your grief. I play quite regularly but feel that I never play enough so consequently never advance but so be it. I will continue and try to learn more. It’s lifelong learning x
A lovely story. I have a similar case after I lost my wife recently. I could not heal until I joined my local bridge brdige club.
I lost my husband 2 months ago. Bridge has also been my therapy, socializing with others and not thinking about my loss. I have made many friends at the bridge club and often go out for a drink or dinner. Thus not home and thinking how sad my life can be without bridge. I constantly say how lucky I am to have this fabulous distraction,bridge.
What an emotional story! I really wish bridge helps you get over the pain of your enormous loss. Stay strong, sister.